Humor 01 Oct 2008 09:27 pm
Dining for One: A Lonely Working Man’s Guide to Food
Long day at the office, chum? Home from work late, and no-one’s there to put food on the table? Looks like another trip to the local pizzeria… or does it?
If you’re tired of take-out food, or going to bed with tears in your eyes but nothing in your stomach, look no further. Dining for One: A Lonely Working Man’s Guide to Food is your new best, or only, friend!
Contained between its spill-proof, burn-proof, and punch-resistant covers are some amazing meals that you can whip up in seconds when it’s 9:00PM and you’re walking through the door with a stress headache, a handful of mail for the previous tenant, and a powerful hunger. You’ve got to eat something; tears don’t cry themselves.
Take a look at some excerpts from Dining for One:
Pan Meat
Ingredients:
- One freezer bag full of food-grade meat
- Nonstick pan (may substitute aluminum foil bent into a pan shape)
Directions:
- Thaw meat in microwave. Either defrost using the preset controls or just forget about it in there while you watch Law & Order reruns.
- Heat pan until hot enough to cook meat.
- Cook meat.
- Let pan cool while watching final minutes of Law & Order rerun.
- Eat out of pan with a spoon, unless you have clean forks.
- Frown uncomfortably at the color of the liquid remaining in the pan. Recognize foreshadowing when you see it.
- Drink a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and call it a night.
Beef a la Yenerall
Ingredients:
- Beef
Directions:
- Place frozen beef in Crock Pot just before going to work. Water to taste.
- Upon return, remove beef. If it’s gray, it’s okay.
- Shred with fork, fingers, or serving spoon.
- Eat standing over sink. It’s okay to feel sad a little. We all do
- Dump any remaining liquid (not to be confused with gravy, which contains actual flavor) in the Crock Pot, now known as “Passive-Aggressive Sauce”, off of your balcony onto your obnoxious downstairs neighbor’s plants.
- Watch stray cats root through the potting soil, chuckling mirthlessly while thinking about all the long, loud, and obviously very exclusive parties the neighbor has.
- Weep and sleep rhyme. Just saying.
Ramen and Friends
Ingredients:
- Ramen
- Friends (optional)
Directions:
- Follow directions on ramen packet. Read well, pretending they’re much more involved than they are. Empty evenings have been filled with worse.
- Consider adding leftover vegetables to add color and texture to your ramen, only to realize that baby carrots soaked in ramen juice are the same baby carrots you didn’t want to eat last night, just saltier.
- Eat ramen with a fork. Since this is nearly impossible, the noodles will splash back into the bowl, spraying ramen juice ( a.k.a. Japanese ink ) on the shirt you were planning to re-wear on Friday.
- Finish ramen shirtless, cold, and vaguely self-conscious.
Cooked Eggs
Ingredients:
- Two eggs
- Bread
- Cheese ( self-pity may be substituted )
Directions:
- Call everyone you know to see if they have leftovers. Make blatant, patently unbelievable excuses to get off the phone once you find out they don’t, e.g., “Gotta go, someone’s at the door”, “Ah, I have another call”, or “Oh, I can’t hear you over everyone talking”.
- Break eggs into bowl, coffee mug, or Ziploc bag.
- Stir, beat, or — if using bag — smoosh eggs until they are homogenous.
- Pour into microwave-safe container, and microwave until more solid than not.
- Season. Note that crying into eggs does add sodium, so be judicious with both the misery and the salt.
- Sprinkle cheese on top, eat with bread off of a kitchen chair in front of the couch serving as the coffee table you’d get if anyone else cared. TV covers the noise of silence pretty well, so check out reality shows. Vicarious living is like the real thing, only without genuine emotions or fulfillment.
These and many other recipes can be yours. Also included are “Food Chowder” and “Cream of Salt Soup”! Stop by any bookstore and pick up your copy of Dining for One: A Lonely Working Man’s Guide to Food today! Available whereever fine books are sold.
